September 3rd, 2008 - I Went To Dorchester And All I Got Was this Lousy Stab Wound Hash

Hares: Wang Chunks and Super Teflon Dong
RA: Hare Club for Queers
Bag Car: Just Michelle
Scribe: Jolly Green Vagina
Weather: Clear, high 70s
Crime Rate: Dorchester-fabulous
Late Cummers: Bend Over Mommy, Headmaster, Peppermint P*ssy
Sweat Test Failure: C*m Is Kosher
New Namings: Wank of America, Smells Like Fish And Chips, I Like Skittles

Krusty the Meat Miser, Schindler's Fist, Taint My Problem, Just Leeann, Just Ann, Stretch P*ssy, Fire In The Hole, Sneak A Peek, Spoonful of S*men, Baaa!, Floppy D*ck, Merkin Muncher, Virgin Kate, J*zz Mopper, Just Dan, I Eat Teabags, Virgin Stacy, Just Alex #1, Just Alex #2, Shorn Scrotum, My Chemical Homance, Just Wes, Stick It To The Bros, Dude Where's My Virginity, General Ass Pounder, High Anus, Bisexual Bondage B*tch, Just Jack, Just Aileen, Moaning Lisa, Just Mike, Just Vanessa, Virgin Angelique, Hoover McSucknf*ck, Just Kerry, Just The Other Taj, Gay Pride, Just Zoe, Beat By A Girl, Spunk In The Trunk, G-String

Those of you who were around a couple weeks ago might remember Wang Chunks' last trail. It was that one where we started in the middle of East Buttf*ck C*mbridgeport and then we went up a bunch of stairs, and then up a bunch more stairs, and then after that there were some more stairs, followed by just a few more stairs, and then the hares wrapped up trail with a whole hill full of stairs. And then there was a sex toy party at the On-In. Do you guys remember that one?

Well, this trail was completely different. In the first place, it was in Dorchester. And in the second place, there wasn't a sex toy party.

The evening's Pre-Lube was at Tom's English Bar, and from there trail led immediately back to JFK Station, which most of us had just walked from, like, ten minutes earlier. It was a strong start to the trail, because we immediately got to go up a bunch of stairs.

Then we followed marks down the beach for a quarter mile, right next to the water's edge. It was quite pretty, and you got a little extra exercise dodging the used condoms and medical waste. Alternatively, some hashers chose to run on the nice, firm grass next to the beach rather than slog through the sand. Wimps.

After the beach, trail meandered around Shaw's, Channel 56, and the Boston Globe offices, where some security guards in a bitchin' Nissan Stanza security-mobile followed the pack around the parking lot. My guess is that there were some real criminals out front, so security figured it was a good time to make sure a bunch of joggers didn't steal any expired vegetables out of the dumpster. I guess I don't really blame them, because I wouldn't want to get shot at for a mall cop's salary either.

Then we came to an overpass, where we went up some stairs. On the other side, we found a "BKN." Roughly 6.9 miles later, we found the Beer that was Kinda Near. Getting there involved — you guessed it — climbing a bunch of stairs to the top of a hill. And for about a third of the pack, it also involved getting thoroughly lost. Small groups of hashers wandered around the base of the hill calling "Are you?" for several minutes, and Krusty amused himself by shouting "No!" at them. Apparently, this is the kind of thing that passes for humor in C*mbridge.

After the Beer Check, in a new and interesting development, we went down some stairs. Then we came to another hill, where we were relieved to be able to go up some stairs again. And then there were some more stairs, and then … just a few more stairs. Then we went down the other side of the hill (no stairs, though). Then we arrived at STD's place, which had been marked "ON-N" by some merry prankster who was pretending to be so completely high that they forgot that the word "in" actually begins with the letter "i."

Hare Club got the circle rolling by calling the hares in, who sang "The S&M Man." Baaa!, our visitor, was surprisingly well prepared for this song, and sang several verses which had never been heard in Boston before. This wasn't nearly as creepy as it sounds, however, and the fact that people were starting to edge away from him after his fifteenth verse or so was surely just a coincidence.

After our hares, BBB brought in our three virgins in to the Circle. High points of the Dementing included Just Vanessa getting motorboated by Virgin Angelique and a spontaneous Tit Check from BBB, which was then followed by a spontaneous Meatspin Check from Baaa! Although that last bit was more of a low point, really.

Then we had some Hash Namings to perpetrate. Despite looking like Screech from Saved By The Bell, Just Wes was named "Wank of America," for claiming to have screwed a bank teller in the walk-in safe on top of a stack of money. Security tapes or it didn't happen, as far as I'm concerned.

Next up was Just Leeann. Despite several stories involving watersports, prepubescent girls, Rocky Horror, and cake frosting, Leeann was thrown back for the second time in two weeks. Seriously, how much f*cking dirt do you need? This is clearly an intolerable situation, so I am invoking super-secret emergency scribing powers, and I hereby dub Just Leeann "I Like Skittles." I dare you wankers to come up with something better.

And then Just Zoe and Merkin Muncher were called in since this will be their last hash in Boston. I'm not entirely sure what the situation is, but as far as I could tell INS is shipping Just Zoe back to England. Frankly, it all seems a bit strange to me, because I didn't think that the Bush Administration deported white people, but maybe I've just been listening to too much NPR. In any event, the Boston Hash sent her on her way with the brand new name "Smells Like Fish And Chips."

Circle ended with "Swing Low," Thai food, and visitors parading their naughty bits around publicly.

Overheard on Trail:

  1. These are some good Cheerios … I think. Wait, this isn't dog food, is it? -Hoover
  2. It's like being raped … by angels! -Baaa!
  3. That was by far the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me. -Wang Chunks, after being accused of setting a GAP trail
  4. I had to make a decision. Do I get a sunburn and get eaten alive by mosquitoes, or do I get drunk? -BBAG
  5. I'm more of a pot smoker than a drinker. -Anonymous Hasher #420
  6. Well, you're probably at the right On-In, then. -Anonymous Hasher #421
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