September 17th, 2008 - The Newtowne Bar Hash

So I know that this is coming out before my writeup from last week, but that one is only half done, and I was particularly inspired to do this one at work today, so here it is.

Prelube: Summer Shack
Hares: JGV and I'm actually not sure who that super secret backslider hare was, anybody?
Pack: I seriously don't give a f*ck about going around and shamefully asking for names that I should already know. If you were there, you know you were, if you weren't, you know you weren't, and that's all I'm going to say about that.
Virgins: 2 Jens, a Ro (I think her name is actually Rufarro or something), and two dudes whose names I couldn't catch cuz everyone was yelling too loud
RA: Cum Titties

Hopes were high as the pack gathered at the prelube, ready for a well-lit, shortish trail in an area that many hashers know pretty well. And that's just how things went, until a small little road block at the end, but you'll have to read through the rest of this crap if you want to get to the good stuff.

Prelube was at the Summer Shack, where Wang Chunks told me all about his plan to hike the Appalachian Trail, which I think is a brilliant idea for a self-proclaimed pussy who's been complaining about his toe injury for the last month. I'm sure he won't mind setting up a tent when he's soaking wet and cold. We finally made our way out to the Chalk Talk led by Goes Down on Buoys, who had an equally brilliant idea to make the virgins link arms with their backs to each other in a circle so that half of them couldn't see any of the marks he was making until he made them rotate. It wasn't demeaning at all. They seemed to really enjoy it.

Trail led through that park next to Alewife and then into the neighborhoods adjacent to it, where we quickly came to a YBF 4. It seems the CB and YBF marks have combined forces to inform you that not only have you been f*cked, but you also must backtrack __ # of marks. I don't know why no one thought of it before, but I personally like a little extra insult with my check back. From there it was more neighborhoods 'til we reached Danahy Park, the site of the first and only (planned) beer check. Thanks to another one of Wang Chunks' brilliant ideas we huddled together in a mosquito-ridden swamp rather than in the parking lot right next to it, where we enjoyed our beer and also some dum dums for quite some time.

From the beer check it was a good, standard trail through some more neighborhoods into the Porter Square area, where many of us exchanged glances and exclaimed 'oh my God, are we going to Newtowne again?' Well folks, that's where it gets interesting. My sources tell me that the on in was supposed to be Powderhouse, but Jolly found out that it was closed for renovations. Tavern on the Hill was then suggested but was deemed to be too far from a T-stop. So, we ended up back at Newtowne, which even if the weren't mad at us from last week, had a lot of diners calmly enjoying their meals. Needless to say, there was no chance we'd get in there before 9, which was at least a half hour away. What to do? Well, we embarked on an epic trail of tears over hill and dale to the end of the bike path, stopping along the way at Nambla's for an impromptu beer check, where he informed me that the reason he hasn't been at the Hash much post-injury is that without the running part it just seemed a lot like alcoholism. Touché Nambla, touché. He did, however, throw on some trashier clothes and join us for some drinks.

Proceeding away from Nambla's we soon came to the end of the bike path, where most of the path crawled its way into another disgusting, overgrown wooded area to have circle. I say 'most' because another group of us, joined by late cummer Drippy en bike, stood awkwardly outside and complained that we were too sober and too old to be crawling into the kind of thing high school kids would think was the coolest place ever to chug Orloff. Velvet Pelvis took control of this circle, adeptly navigating a potentially sticky situation with a bike cop by explaining that we were a running club that was going to gather round and make idiots of ourselves, singing stupid songs. 'Alright, just be more discreet about it,' advised the cop, realizing that we weren't worth his time. Then Velvet detailed the situation awaiting us if we were to make our way into the overgrown circle, namely a shoe full of dogsh*t. Stick it to the Bros and I figured it was worth a shot anyway and crawled in, where I was greeted with ´what is that smell?´ Sure enough folks, I had a shoe full of dog sh*t. That Velvet is an evil genius.

Circle ended pretty much right as I got there, so we crawled back out until pizza arrived, and then fought over whether it was illegal to eat pizza in broad nightlight or whether we had to crawl back into the dog sh*t woods. Many chose the latter, and the rest of us complained until they finally brought the pizza out of the woods and put it in the back of Wang Chunks' truck. Many hashers had already peaced out by that point, and I was told, by the wise sage Velvet, that there would probably be a lot of complaints regarding the on in not being up to 'standard.'

Oh dear friends, allow me to let you in on the key to happiness: You just need to lower those standards down a notch, or 10. Ever seen that SNL skit, 'Lowered Expectations?' The key is to set your standards low enough while still maintaining a glimmer of self respect. If you can do that effectively, you will very rarely face disappointment. For example, my hopes going into the Hash last night included 3 things: 1) I would end the night in a bed, sober enough to stumble to work 2) I wouldn't step in dog sh*t, 3) If I got really lucky, Nambla just might show up. Well, I was 2 for 3, and actually the dog sh*t wasn´t nearly as hard to get off as I thought it would be, so I'd say my night was a winner overall. Plus, when Just Angela and I mentioned how low our standards had become, at least 3 harriers promptly offered themselves up as bottom-of-the-barrel material. See? No worries folks. Many of us made our way into Davis Square and had a great time at Sligo and/or Redbones. The perfect end to a near perfect evening.

Until next time dear colleagues,
Fire in the Hole

Oh, also a HUGE thanks to Hareclub, J-Mo, Wang Chunks, Nambla, and whoever else helped out with buying food and beer at the end. If you're one of the ones who skipped out early, and if you didn't pay Hash cash, please pay at your next Hash because those guys threw down their own money for YOU even if you happened to leave early. We are all team players, so let's show some love to the people who keep this thing going.

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