July 20th, 2008 - Boston Shiggy Hash

The short version is that it was a GAP trail. A dirty GAP trail. Very dirty. Also very wet. Soaking, even. The long version is as follows:

Hares: GAP, Immaculate Erection
Location: Lyons Park + cemetery + Brandeis + scenic areas of Waltham
Weather: partly cloudy to Amazonian downpour
Shiggy: yes!

Pack: Dirty Latte Sanchez (beer car), Fire in the Hole, Wang Chunks, Stretch Pussy, Dr. Who (Rhode Island), Cock-Lick-off (New York), I Eat C**, Cum is Kosher, Peppermint Pussy, Sticks it to the Bros, Goes down on Buoys, Crucifux (RA), Virgin Michelle (pronounced "Michael" - she must be French or something), Schindler's Fist, Spunk in the Trunk, that guy from Worcester, probably some others I'm forgetting.

The pack met up in scenic Lyons Park on a partly cloudy Sunday afternoon prepared for a shiggy-filled adventure. Preparations included the application of copious amounts of both sunscreen and bug spray. The latter was an 'all natural deet-free version,' which apparently still tastes absolutely terrible when sprayed in your beer (ask GAP). A survey was taken of who could actually swim, and the pack was notified of available flotation devices (harriettes with big boobs and Goes down on Buoys). Virgin Michelle was shown some of the key marks and the pack was off!

Trail was marked (surprisingly) well for a GAP trail and led quickly into the woods and then into some sort of mucky swamp (wetland, if you're an eco-freak). Shouts on trail included on 1, on 2, and on a big f*cking thorn branch. This shiggy portion was followed by a more conventional wooded trail where the pack got a bit confused but eventually found its way into some Newton neighborhoods. Neighborhoods led back into extreme shiggy, especially for Goes Down on Buoys who sank waist-deep into muck while the rest of us ran around him. We then came to the edge of the woods, where GAP and Immaculate Erection were pushing the cooler full of beer into the Charles. Coolers full of beer float surprisingly well.

The pack swam about 50m to the island, which as Schindler's Fist noted "must have been ordained a beer check by the Hash God." The hares were urged to get a move on due to the fact that some hashers heard thunder and weren't keen on swimming across the Charles in a lightning storm (bunch of wusses). Some harriettes (Crucifux, Peppermint Pussy, and Schindler's Fist) offered to help Dirty Latte Sanchez swim the beer cooler back to shore, which was girl-speak for "man-up Buoys and help the girl," which he did.

The pack re-entered the water as Stick it to the Bros engaged in an elaborate pant rolling-up ritual to cut down on drag. About 5 seconds later we found out that, drag or no, black people can't swim. Also, lily pads aren't the best flotation devices. Luckily for Stick it he was later able to redeem himself by living up to that other pervasive stereotype when he showed us his really big…motorcycle.

The pack continued a really long frickin' way across the Charles, and by the time we reached the other shore it was a rain-forest-downpour. We went backwards and forwards through some wooded areas before emerging in a sand pit/dump. The rain cleared up at that point, but not before washing away any flour marks that might have led us out of the sand pit/dump. After at least 15 minutes of vainly searching for trail we headed out into the adjoining cemetery and broke off into various clusters in search of trail and/or civilization. Luckily, there was some old guy who was overly enthusiastic about helping us find our way back to the park and proceeded to give the longest-ever description of the best route, including a history lesson about some sort of Indian tower we would be passing. Weird. Then again we were a pack of slightly buzzed, soaking wet, kinda lost, somewhere in Newton on a Sunday, hashers, so maybe we shouldn't judge.

We made our way out of the cemetery and actually re-found the trail at the Brandeis T-stop. We also found Dirty Latte Sanchez who was trying to find her way back to the park after being redirected around flooded roads. Impromptu beer check!

Virgin Michelle, knowing the area, instructed everyone on how to get back to the park, and then proceeded to drag Fire in the Hole in a completely different direction that 'might not be the fastest route but would get us back eventually.' Oh virgins. At least we got in our 3 mile run for the day. Thank God. She's likely to challenge for biggest FRB.

Eventually everyone made it to a clearing in the woods for closing circle. Crucifux RA'd brilliantly. GAP and Immaculate Erection were applauded/ berated, Just Michelle demonstrated 'her most sexual pilates position' which was the up and down cat thing, and the visitors sang a beautifully harmonized song. Accusations included Just Michelle and Stick it for having a private party (aka he was hitting on her shamelessly), Wang Chunks for whining, everyone for not being enthusiastic enough in circle, Fire in the Hole for moving into a gang-bang house, and many others. Circle was closed and people made their way to an on after somewhere in Waltham, but this hasher was feeling the on shower and therefore has no more details except to say that a bar in Waltham on a Sunday when soaking wet was probably pretty fun.

May the Hash go in peace,
Fire in the Hole

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