December 14th, 2002 - Hashmas Holiday Party!

Okay … I have no idea why everyone thinks there has to be a hash trash for the holiday party. Did you see me taking notes? Nooooo! Can't I just have a little fun without a notebook and pen in my hands for a change? It's difficult to drink beer and write at the same time, you know.

There we were at the Muddy Charles, with 2 bartenders to ensure that the Hash (which is on probation at that venue) behaved. But 2 bartenders, that would increase hash beer consumption?? The logic? And this is MIT, fer chrisakes!

Who was there? Almost all of the regulars you've been reading about over the past months. Many big time backsliders, including Squirrel Dick, Coochie Snootcher, Wee Willie Wanker & Golden Showers. Visitors Anti Cock, Madame Flutterby (both Happy Valley H3), Sphinctersicle (Hartford H3), Yankees Suck, Dances with Spam (both Jersey Gypsies), Swallow My Pride (RI H3)). Former Boston Hashers, now RI Hashers EverReady Special Edition and Kneeling Room Only were also back in town. There were at least 50 or 60 hashers present, along with a number of non-hashing friends and/or significant others.

What happened? Well, there was a lot of food, so there was no excuse for anyone to not have eaten. Thanks to Rectal, Ski Bobbitt, Snoreplay and Stuff Me (along with others) for organizing. There was a lot of beer. For $10 hash cash it was a bargain.

Anal Avenger was the master of ceremonies for the Hash awards and for a number of skits. Skits … okay, you really had to be there … And I was in the back of the room and couldn't really see them. An evening revue with TEAM DRUNK, involved a reading of a perverted "The Night Before Hashmas". Anal Avenger had a short film Sheep and Lesbians. One skit (The Naked Muff Adventure) had hashers impersonating Enos, Muffalotta and Sugar Plum Fairy, and it involved some playing doctor theme (it was good, I am certain, but again, I wasn't able to see or hear much). Then there was another one that had 4 hashers, and Muffalotta … the harriers were wearing kilts and the required nada beneath the kilt, Muffy wore a sarong (they mooned us, so I do remember that). One Drunk Walking Presents: "A Swallows my Pride Production", I totally zoned out by that point, and am vague on any details. Awarded for the worst hash of the year was the July 4th Death March in the heat and humidity. Best Hash of the Year went to The Mexihash (I think, but again, remember that I was NOT taking notes)?? I think possibly the First (and last) Anal Happy Valley Jimmy Buffet Campout Hash got an award for something (possibly because Flutterby still has some of the same roommates who agreed that it was okay for him to have the Campout Hash in his back yard?). The best weekend hash of the year went to Two Bods and a Cod for the weekend hash down dah Cape. Most Improved hasher went to Sugar Plum Fairy. Hash Flash was a close race between Hong Kong Spewy and The Jizzmopper. Jizz won, we do believe it was rigged. Oh and Hash Crash of the Year went to Swells Like Torn An*s (hey, when you have an accident that results in a re-naming, that should be a gimme for that award … at least his ankle finally healed after his mishap with the nekkid fire jumping at the Sky Di*e hash). There were probably other awards (best & worst hash name?),


Santa Claus and the S & M Elf then presided over the distribution of Yankee Swap gifts. Hashers had reached the point where Santa would say, "Okay, any hasher who's name begins with a D, cum on up." And no one would move … seems that spelling of one's name is the first thing to go when drinking lots of beer. Gifts were the usual assortment of weird and obscene, with a fair amount of booze (cheap stuff, and some good stuff) for good measure. And then things started to get really crazy. WinToes and Just Mary crashed the ballroom dancing in the cafeteria across the hall … I believe they were kicked out along with a few others who had the same idea, or maybe they were good enough that they didn't get kicked out, but others did. The Muddy Charles was supposed to be ours til 11, but would you believe that 3 harriettes flashing the bartenders got us an extra hour??? Yep, that old trick worked again. Only, one of the harriettes is now on house probation, imposed by her less-than-amused significant other. (Oh, speaking of significant others … Squirrel Dick is engaged to Ann Marie, ditto for Deposits in the Rear and Anal Avenger … of all things! Won't they ever learn??).

Anyway, hashers had been imbibing heavily all evening. We looked toward the bar, and Puff-n-Stuff had passed out on his bar stool … he looked just like he was sleeping, only he could not be roused. Several hashers transported him to the front steps of Bldg. 55. Sitting on the cold cement probably froze his balls (did I mention he was wearing a kilt?), but did serve to revert him to relative consciousness. He was then transported in WinToes' Dadmobile to Puffy's place by Fenway Park. As there was a small entourage to assist in said venture, we agreed to meet downstairs at the Boston Beer Works. Since I was not part of the Puffy unloading crew, I went to the bar along with Yankees Suck and Double Flush (she is a Boston hasher, not a visitor). Anyway, we went inside and they said they had already had last call (heck, it was only 12:30 a.m.). We waited for the Puffy unloaders, and decided the Cask and Flagon was right over there (diagonally across the street). Before we could get there, a young drunk fell to the pavement right in front of Sphincter and Pondy and Velvet Pelvis. Well, you could just step over him and keep walking, but he was bleeding (turned out he had been in a fight), so several hashers stayed with him and called one of his friends who came to his aid. The rest of us went inside, where Anti-Cock ordered pitchers of beer (so we wouldn't have that last call problem again). Madame Flutterby was one of the smart ones who refused shots of Tequila (and Anti-Cock drank Flutterby's, along with another of his own, and then fell asleep on his bar stool). Sphincter & Velvet Pelvis were waved into the bar by the bouncers, who were on the front steps of the Cask & Flagon breaking up a brawl that had started inside. Gee, and the full moon isn't until Wednesday.

As we drank our beers, more hashers arrived (a number had gone to the Cambridgeport Saloon, but last call there was also early). No one knew that we had gone to the Cask & Flagon, but with unerring homing instinct, every hasher figured out that we had to be there. So The Jizzmopper, Muffalotta, Skid Mark, Swells Like Torn An*s, Impo-Tent and Cum Prick Pow joined up with the abbreviated on-after, until the bouncers made us chug the last of the beer so they could go home.

Quotes of the evening? Many memorable ones, but I forget!

  • My best holiday hash quote so far has to be the following:
  • "Wow, I didn't know this was going to be pornographic!" - Cream Whora at the
  • Nutcracker Ballet (when the ballerina shepardesses came on stage with the
  • children dressed in lamb costumes)

Cums Alone, BH3 Scribe

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