August 20th, 2008

Hares: Wang Chunks and Stretch Pussy
Bag Car: Snatch Squatch (I think?)
Pre-lube: Fort Washington Park
On In: Wonderbar

Sucks Hard for the Money, Just Alex, Taint my Problem, Just Mike, GAP, Peppermint Pussy, Dirty Latte Sanchez, You Oughtta Blow, Satrac, Crucifux, Just Vanessa, Jizz Mopper, Just Matt, Taj my Hole, Just Zack, Nipples Erectus, Jolly Green Vagina, Drippy Spigot, High Anus, Velvet Pelvis, Floppy Dick, Schindler's Fist, Seizure Salad, I Eat Cum, My Chemical Homance, Just Sarah, Shorn Scrotum, Just Dan, Just Paul, Just Burt, Just Justin, G-String, Friar F*ck, Just Liz, Just Nicole, Just Michelle, I Eat Tea Bags, Menopause is Awesome, Hoover McSuck 'n F*ck, Virgin Kimberly, Virgin Dan, Cums Alone, Stick it to the Bros, Monthly Cycle, Beat by a Girl, SOL (Washington), Spoon Full of Sugar, and I think there were a lot of other people, but I seem to have lost a page from my notes. Sorry! You can yell at me tomorrow.

On a temperate end-of-summer Wednesday the pack gathered in Fort Washington Park in the sleepy village of Cambridgeport. While some may have been initially suspicious of the park pre-lube, I think all could agree that it worked surprisingly well. Alcoholism just seems so much more genuine when brown-bagging it in a park early on a Wednesday eve. After downing the last of our various liquids, Velvet Pelvis informed all the newbies of typical hash marks and the pack took off.

Most of us chased J-Mo, who followed marks that were "way too straight to be true," resulting in the first check back of the night. The pack quickly regrouped and found its way to the Turkey/Eagle split, where Wang Chunks acted like it was no big deal that we were already on hare less than 10 minutes into the run. Actually he was just there to warn of oncoming trains for all those daring/stupid hashers who chose to take the 'eagle' trail across a single-track railway bridge. It was all very 'Stand by Me,' which, in case you haven't seen it, is a charming coming-of-age film about four hashers who form a lifelong bond after almost being run over by an oncoming train and finding a dead body. Then they get to high school and realize they have nothing in common, but it's still sad when River Phoenix's character is killed at the end in a bar fight, mostly because River Phoenix is the hottest eleven year old ever, but also because he actually killed himself in real life. How unoriginal for a child star. Be sure to catch it on the E! True Hollywood Story this Tuesday at 3 AM.

After escaping death on the rails we ran along some river for a bit, most likely the Mississippi, and then made our way back through some campus, most likely a smart-kid school. Trail led to that board walk place we always seem to end up at and then through the park adjacent to it, where a fit-looking, tennis-playing, well-dressed woman asked if we were on a hash or just 'on a run.' Maybe her delinquent son or immature ex-husband is/was a hasher?

By the time we got out of that park we were really feeling in need of a beer check and luckily stumbled onto it soon thereafter. It was in what some might call the 'backyard' of this apartment building, but I'd describe it more as the kind of place suburban high school kids sneak off to in order to chug $13 handles of vodka. Wang Chunks apparently knew a girl that lived there for four years and 'never even went back there.' Can you BELIEVE that?

Trail led down some poison ivy covered staircase and out onto the streets below, where the pack got a bit confused, especially after J-Mo drew a 'check' where he thought one should be and then had to explain to everyone that it most likely wasn't actually a check so would we please disregard it. And I must interrupt this Hash Trash to bring you an important PSA:

Did you know that Shorn and Hareclub have been secretly putting away 10% of every week's Hash Cash into a Hash social security program so that Ski Bobbit and Friar F*ck can continue their alcoholic lifestyles after retirement? No? You didn't? Then you probably also didn't know that life and liability insurance aren't included in the deal. Please consider that before jumping in front of oncoming vehicles. A good rule to live by is the 'headline rule,' and it amounts to considering how your parents would feel reading the newspaper headline describing your misadventures, something like 'Runnin' for Beer, Smashed like a Deer' (the Herald) or 'Tragic Demise of Alcoholic Youth' (the Globe). Plus, if you die during a Hash we'll all feel obligated to come to your funeral, and sorry alcoholics dressed in suits come across as sorry alcoholics dressed in suits. Your family will never recover.

Once we finally found trail again it was obvious why Wang Chunks had warned we would hate him. Never-ending stairs! Too bad there wasn't a check back at the top. There was a song check though, which when I got there was a really poor rendition of the 'S & M Man' in that someone would shout out 'who can go to the abortion clinic?' and then the rest of us would look at each other dumbfounded and shrug. The rest of the trail was pretty much a downhill sprint until we ended up in the basement of Wonderbar.

Comments on trail included 'not enough long, fast locomotives' and 'I love stairs.' Hares were congratulated on a shitty trail (it was actually a very nice one, if I don't say so myself). Friar F*ck and the visitors sang some weird song that he must have learned in a POW camp in Scotland or wherever the hell he gets that accent from. A 69th attempt was made to give Monthly Cycle a real hash name while Seizure Salad tried to impress all of us with the fact that he's seen his girlfriend naked. We finally decided on 'Total Whore.' Most of the rest of the circle involved Velvet Pelvis alternately talking in a sexy yet creepy radio voice, broken up by sudden outbursts by Schindler's Fist who Velvet then rebuked. Oh yeah, then the dildo's were brought into the circle, which seemed to come out of nowhere until we realized that somehow we were in the middle of a sex toy party, which occupied the rest of the evening. Some of the stuff was actually intriguing, but no one bought anything after the governing committee of harriettes determined that such gadgets might make even the ablest harrier obsolete, destroying the most hallowed Hash institution of all, which is of course the drunken hookup. So from all the harriettes, you harriers owe us, and yes that's what I'm talkin' about.*

May the Hash go in peace.

—Fire in the Hole

*No, not that.

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