Hares: Nice Tits and Spank Me May I Have My Mother
Bag Car: Super Teflon Dong
RA: Wang Chunks
Scribe: Jolly Green Vagina
Weather: 45 degrees, clear, a little breezy
Pre-Lube: Johnny D’s in Kendall Sq
On~In: The Tam
Shorn Scrotum, Floppy Dick, Anal Beads, Boa Cuntstrictor, Va Jay Jay, Just Brian, Stretch P*ssy, Just Katy, Virgin Dennis, Bisexual Bondage B*tch, Chocolate Starfish, Taj My Hole, Catheter the Great, Sucks Hard for the Money, Hiscoxin, My Chemical Homance, Virgin Mike, Krusty the Meat Miser, G-String, Just Ward, Suck and Swallow, Mister Rogers, Dude Where’s My Virginity, Goes Down on Buoys, Corn on the Cock/I Shat Myself to Sleep, Spunk in the Trunk, Immaculate Erection, Virgin Ricki, Beat By a Girl, Wet F*ck, Bleeps Sweeps and Creeps, Nipples Erectus, C*m is Kosher, Dribbles, General Ass Pounder, Hare Club for Queers, Stick it to the Bros, Dirty Latte Sanchez
Lazy Ass Pre Lube-Only Mofos: Sugar Plum Fairy, Virgin Colleen
There was a good turnout for the first Wednesday Hash of the year. Some of the hashers cited Spank Me’s tight posterior as their primary reason for coming; most, however, were attracted by the novelty of a hash through C*mbridge and along the Charles. The Pre-Lube was mostly notable for getting one of the waitresses to dress up in a grass skirt. Unfortunately, she was still wearing other layers, so on a scale of 1 to 6.9, I’d give it a “Meh.” The pack was away at about 7:15, after a little Father Birmingham.
Perhaps the distinguishing factor in this trail was the near complete lack of pack chalk. To be fair, however, it seemed like the hares didn’t have much either. Kudos to Sucks Hard for having some extra on her Sucks Hard Utility Belt™ and spreading it around, which is probably the first time Sucks has spread anything that didn’t require treatment with antibiotics.
The first leg of the trail featured a song check, at which the pack sang … erm … some kind of … song thing and then was away again. There followed a boob check, and although JGV obligingly flashed his furry moobs, for some reason the pack demanded actual FEMININE boobies. BBB stepped up to the plate and displayed her goods, which were petite, yet perky and firm. I’d give her a 69. I’d give them a 6.9, I mean.
Following this, the pack went through a revolving door check at the Marriott Hotel, then crossed the Mass Ave bridge, which put the pack just short of the half-marath*n mark. Crusty old man Anal Beads commented on the new-fangled style of trail by saying: “You know, when I was a young hasher, I remember we used to have these things called beer checks, where you’d have a beer and hang out and appreciate all the running you just did.”
On the other side of the bridge, hare marks eventually led the pack into Spank Me’s favorite back alley, with false promises of “Beer Near” and “Beer Check,” because when we got there, there were only cans of something called “Miller.” At the check, STD got in the back of his trunk and erected a huge pole for all to admire. G-String got the wood down after a few minutes, but STD wasn’t done yet. Together, the two men gently cradled the wood so that the other hashers could limbo under it, although not surprisingly, Krusty ended up taking it on the chin. And take note, hashers: Virgin Ricki is surprisingly limber. At the beer check, we also found that Just Brian had suffered a seizure on trail, and the pack made the appropriate sympathetic noises for almost fifteen seconds before conversation turned to possible hash names for our fallen brother.
The second leg of the trail was not, as expected, another half marathon, but instead ended up relatively quickly at The Tam, where it was was about 85 degrees. G-String led a contingent of male hashers outside to do some streetwalking, while most of the female hashers preferred to get sweaty in the back with Anal Beads.
Due to the unique shape of the bar, the circle was less of a circle type of thing than some sort of oblong Rorshach test. Some hashers thought it looked like a butterfly, others like a motorcycle, and it reminded one male hasher of a throbbing hunk of man-gristle. To each his own, apparently.
Anyway, Wang eventually stopped being a p*ssy and got the circle (the oblong?) underway. Comments on trail included: “There was a trail?” and “Not enough seizures.” The hares sang “Today is Monday” although they couldn’t remember what day Wednesday is, which in the opinion of this scribe was appalling. Just truly appalling.
The oblong then turned to the dementation of our thoroughly unworthy virgins. Virgin Ricki wouldn’t get off a bus full of homosexuals, but Virgin Mike would help his Uncle Jack off. Mike and Ricki shared bananas, although Ricki had trouble swallowing everything Mike gave her. Before you judge her too harshly in this regard, remember that she is still very limber, and that ought to count for something. Our third virgin was nowhere to be seen, and the scribe was too drunk to find out what happened to him.
Next into the oblong were the visitors and transplants. Following our show a body part/tell a joke/sing a song tradition, Just Ward displayed his ass, which was kind of bony. Bleeps followed suit, although his was … well, it was the opposite of bony. So whether you like the grade-schooler look or some cushion for the pushin’, there was an booty you could enjoy. Wet F*ck sang us “For Curiosity” which was flat-out awesome, and got a well-deserved round of applause.
Accusations followed. Sucks Hard was accused of cheating at limbo, and Just Ricki was accused of being a limbo ringer. Nice Tits drank for getting an advanced degree. Floppy drank for having a bad hat. Nips was accused of taking her dogs to training, although after it was revealed that the training involved peanut butter, it was decided that this was hashmanlike behavior. Following a short catfight between Catheter and Nice Tits, it was discovered that Nice Tits was a racist, and had to drink for that. Finally, there was a ponytail down-down, which meant that Floppy got as close to most of the female hashers as he’s ever going to get.
The oblong ended with an abridged version of Swing Low, and the hash went to go eat surprisingly good pizza in peace.
Overheard on Trail
- Watch the goatee! –AB
- I’m a pro. –BBAG
- I just need a sex slave. –BBB
- Al-right. –Immaculate Erection, volunteering for sex slave duty and/or doing his best Quagmire impression
- You’re like a crossing guard. You need a little vest or something. –C*m is Kosher, in regards to JGV’s legendary hog-calling abilities
- I’m STD free! How are ya? –G-String
- I like this chair because it puts my mouth at crotch height. –Spank Me
- I wouldn’t rate any of the harriettes higher than a 4. –Spank Me
- I hate beer. –Spank Me
- I will confirm anything you write about Spank Me in the Hash Trash. –AB
