Jolly Green Vagina's Guide to Scribing
  1. Write what you really think.
  2. If anyone calls you out on this, lie and say that you were just kidding.
  3. The easiest way to be funny is to quote people out of context.
  4. You will burn out if you scribe more than one third of the hashes you attend.
  5. If you fucked up because you were wasted, admit that it was because you were wasted.
  6. If you fucked up but you weren’t actually wasted, you should still claim that it was because you were wasted.
  7. You should sort of try to get the real hashers’ names right.
  8. Fuck the Virgins and Justs.
  9. When I say “Fuck the Virgins and Justs,” I mean that in a “Giggity-giggity!” kind of way, not in a “You kids get off my lawn!” kind of way. After all, you just introduced yourself and got their name, right?
  10. However, asking for a phone number, email, home address, and/or used panties right off the bat may be met with suspicion.
  11. Of course, you can always claim it’s for a mailing list or some crap like that.
  12. Happy stalking!
  13. By the way, if you’re drunk at the Pre-Lube, you can ignore rule #7.
  14. By the way, if you’re drunk at the Pre-Lube, that’s a great excuse for making some other poor bastard be the scribe.
  15. Of course, if you do that, they’re probably going to make sure to write extremely unflattering things about you.
  16. Anyone who tries to get written up probably shouldn’t.
  17. Anyone who tries to avoid getting written up probably should.
  18. You do not need to write down every song.
  19. You do not need to write down every accusation.
  20. You do not need to write down every detail of the dementing.
  21. In fact, you absolutely should NOT write down every detail of dementing. Seriously, the square root of sixty-nine is the same this week as it was last week.
  22. If something gay happened, G-String was involved.
  23. If something completely gay happened, G-String was involved twice.
  24. If something even more gay than that happened, forget about scribing. Just go get drunk and try to block it out.
  25. Balding, out-of-shape, thirtysomething hashers are dead sexy.
  26. Especially if they wear green. Rawr.
  27. “Shorter, faster, funnier” does not just apply to accusations in Circle.
  28. By that I mean you should learn yourself to write, motherfucker.
  29. And also read “Politics and the English Language” by George Orwell.
  30. That part where I wrote the dots meant I was only half kidding about #29. When it comes to writing, Orwell knows his shit.
  31. If anything really juicy happens on trail, it’s your solemn duty to step up and snitch during Accusations.
  32. By the way, did I mention you will burn out if you scribe more than one third of the hashes you attend?
  33. If you crossed the Longfellow Bridge, it was a shitty trail.
  34. Rule #34 supersedes all other rules.
  35. Pocket-sized memo book plus a lanyard equals easy note-taking.
  36. Top-opening memo books are better than side-opening memo books.
  37. Wide lanyards are better than skinny lanyards.
  38. If a hash is scribed, then no matter how much of a clusterfuck it might have been, it is now something of myth and legend.
  39. This is why your name goes right after the hares and the RA in the Hash Trash. Give yourself some sugar.
  40. However, under no circumstances should you quote yourself. Ever. Either you write the story or you are the story.
  41. I realize that was some deep metaphysical-type shit. Welcome to fucking Cambridge.
  42. This should not stop you from writing what you really think (see #1).
  43. Since you probably just skipped back to the beginning, you should probably re-read #4 while you’re there.
  44. Then skip down a bit and re-read #33.
  45. You should never put stuff in the Hash Trash that isn’t true.
  46. Just because it didn’t actually happen doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
  47. I realize that was also some deep metaphysical-type shit.
  48. Welcome to fucking Cambridge.
  49. Jesus saves.
  50. During Circle, your job is also to write down all the proposals during a hash naming.
  51. Then write down “I Like Skittles.”
  52. When reading the naming proposals back, pick your favorite three or four and skip the rest.
  53. “I Like Skittles” should be one of your favorites. Always.
  54. If you’re worried that you’re going to skip a good name and get yelled at, don’t be. Your average hasher has the attention span of that Ellen DeGeneres fish in Finding Nemo.
  55. When you’re on trail you should absolutely … Hey, today would be a great day for a bike ride!
  56. When in doubt, blame whoever is drunkest.
  57. If you put your notebook down for more than 6.9 seconds, when you pick it back up, someone will have drawn a penis in it.
  58. It’s tough to take legible notes with magic markers.
  59. On the other hand, magic markers are great for writing on I Eat Cum after he passes out.
  60. Gosh, #59 and #60 present such a conundrum.
  61. Boob checks should ALWAYS go in the Hash Trash.
  62. Boob checks should ALWAYS go in the Hash Trash.
  63. I bet you can’t figure out why I wrote that twice.
  64. It’s always funny when a Just or a Virgin gets two long-time hashers confused. I don’t know why it’s this is true, but trust me, it really is.
  65. As soon as Circle is over, put the notebook in your bag and go eat pizza. Your job is done.
  66. Rule #66 does not apply if Buoys gets drunk off his ass and starts singing karaoke in Spanish at the On-After.
  67. If you scribe, that means you will get laid.
  68. No, really.

And, in response to Jolly's Guide, Friar posted his as well. Kind of like a video response on YouTube, only not.

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