Date: Saturday April 14, 2001
Theme: 2001 - a Space Cowboy Odd-yssey Hash
Start: Copley Square, Boston
Scorpion Bowl Check: The Hong Kong, Quincy Market
Beer Check: Constitution Park, by Old Ironsides, Charlestown
On-In: Koury's State Spa Broadway Ave, Somerville (note to foreigners: "Spa" is a euphemism for "bar" in olde tyme Boston lingo)
Hares: Anal Avenger, The Jizzmopper, and Cums Alone
Time: 2:00 p.m. HST
Total Distance: 4 - 6 miles (Turkey trail was probably 3 - 4-ish, eagles were 6+)
Scribe: Cums Alone
Weather: approx. 55-60 degrees F, sunny
Present, over 100 hashers from all over the place …do you really want toknow? Well okay, this list is from Rectal, and is not comprehensive, sincethere were a number of last minute additions/changes/confusion. I addednames of hashers that I either saw or hallucinated that I saw:
Boston Hashers: Anal Avenger (hare), The Jizzmopper (hare), Cums Alone (me,the scribe and Turkey trail hare), Ann Marie, Bag O'Porn, Biker Chick,Christie, Craig, Cream Whora, Cock-aholic, Cream Whora, Damaged Goods,Deposits in the Rear, the still unnamed Elisa, ER, Friar F*ck, Fudgesuckle,Funky Diva, Gemma, Hard Lickher, Hex A-Peel, Horse Butt F*cker, Jason (run4), Jennifer, Joe (nfhn … informally called "Hung Like a Dart"), Just MySize, Little Dead Birds Covered with Oil, Little Red Pussy Balls, Lube MeIn, Man's Best Friend, Meat Processor, Menage a Tw*t, Mike, Mom's Cumming,Muffalotta, Nippstik, One Drunk Walking, Palm Pilot, Paola, Pat My Fly,Pony Express, Rectal, Rick, Rodent Feltcher, Shine On Harvard Moon, SkiBobbitt, Snoreplay, Sperm Breath, Squirrel Dick, Steaming Bush, Stuff Me,Sugar Plum Fairy, Sweet Molasses, The Fat One, Tongue Me Please, TrailHoover, Udder Sucker, Viagra Doubtfire, Wee Willie Wanker, Wild BillHickeycock, WinToes 69
Virgins: who the heck knows, too much confusion to figure out
Visitors
Baltimore/Annapolis H3: Satan, Fossil (and his chick-magnet Dalmatian)
Burlington (VT) H3: Gafami, Justify My Ass
Charlotte H3: Swamp Pussy
Connecticut (Hartford or Ridgefield?) H3: Straight Jacket, Annette
Detroit/Ann Arbor H3: Anal Probe
Happy Valley H3: Madame Flutterby, NFN Chris, No F*cking Name Kim
Jersey Gypsy Hashers: Dances with Spam, Flea & Chick Repellant, Grandma's Fudge Eater
Eugene H3: Fed S*x, Head Queen, Mossy Grotto
Honolulu H3: Half Hash, WIMP
LSH4: Sil-LA-con Bone
Montreal H3: Total F*ck Up
Newport H3: Diddler On the Roof, Double Flush, Floreplay, Leisure Suit Larry, Little Debbie, Mary Kay, Nipoleon, Pretty Kitty Gang Bang, Shut the F*ck Up, Six Places to Put Bob Hope
New York City H3: David, Lesley, Peter
New York (Westchester) H3: Pearl Necklace, Tom
Ottawa H3: Boomerang, Fat Ass, Finger Lickin' Good, Scratch & Sniff
Palatka Black Hash: Doofus White Boy
Rhode Island H3: Alter ED (erectile dysfunction), Asyal, Basket Boom Boom, Cumonya, Dr. Who, Oozing Syphilitic Dictaphone, Snotty
San Diego H3: Bridge Over River Tw*t, Nookie Monster
Seoul H3: Melissa
The Hague H3: Cumming Twice
Wasatch H3: Lick 'Em Young, Big Blackmail, Jesus in a G String
White House H3: Kung Fu Grip
From somewhere: The Slasher and a "C. Anderson"
The Start/the run:
Anal Avenger insisted that The Jizzmopper and I arrive at the start at 1:30p.m. (real time) to rehearse a skit. Yeah, sure. I took the T and gotthere around 2. The Jizz was there, but no Anal Avenger. We twiddled ourrespective "whatevers" and waited. Hashers started to arrive at CopleySq., but still no AA. Finally, he arrived. "Skit" was a bit of anexaggeration; this was more of an "entrance". Anal Avenger got into hisstrategically padded costume, aided by his able sidekick, TheJizzmopper. They had convinced me to dress as a Turkey, since I was to setthe turkey trail to the Scorpion Bowl Check. AA had some sort of weirdlooking bug drawn on a poster, which I have yet to comprehend. This was tobe live hared, so any number of marks off a check would be on. In ascrew-up induced by less than 5 hours of sleep after the Pub-Crawl (mytenants called to complain about the noise at 3 a.m.! Busted!), I zonedout when AA explained that the Turkey Trail would have arrows with a T nextto them and the checks would be a circle with a T in them.
We got a 5-minute advance start and ran off down Boylston St. I, thehungover one, struggled to keep up with our masked Hare and his littlesidekick. We turned onto Arlington St. and drew a Turkey/Eagle split onthe left side of the road. The 2 working brain cells did not compute thatI was supposed to do anything different than the normal hash marking systemfor the Turkey trail. Gee DUH! So, I happily marked trail to enable eventhe visually impaired to follow the Turkey/Walking trail, through thePublic Garden past the Swan Boats, into the Boston Common, past the frogpond, and up past the shrouded State Capital Building (with an arrowpointing to the Hooker statue). I was by the old courthouse before an outof town FRB surprised me. He did not pants me, but settled for dry humpingme from behind (mutually beneficial). I actually scared the FRBs back tothe Eagle Trail (never underestimate a harriette with a hangover!). Icontinued to set my feeble trail down a flight of stairs past Boston CityHall, through an alley and down State Street to our favorite haunt, TheHong Kong. I have no f-ing idea where the eagle trail went, but a numberof FRBs did follow it, and eventually found the Hong Kong.
At the Hong Kong I was formally demoted from Turkey Trail hare, fordereliction of duty (actually, I was only supposed to set trail to the HongKong). The prime hares (if you hated the trail, get them, not me) had settrail from there to B. Anal Avenger and the Jizzmopper left, withinstructions for the pack to follow 5 minutes later (or else!). We leftthe bar and found a check and then found another turkey/eagle split. Theturkey trail led to the Commuter Boat that goes around Boston Harbor. AnalAvenger had tickets for all to ride the boat. The boat was late. It wasvery very late. It was determined that the boat would take us toCharlestown, to Old Ironsides, and a number of more athletic/less drunkfolks decided to run to Charlestown (and yes, they arrived prior to theturkeys who stood around waiting for the damn slow boat toCharlestown). The boat arrived and hashers packed on the boat for a 5 or10 minute ride to the old Charlestown Navy Yard. At least one hashermooned people from the boat.
We debarked, and ran a circle jerk through the recycled Navy buildings (nowexpensive condos or office space) to an improbably placed beer check in anarbor overlooking a skateboard park. There we consumed cases of Sam Adamsand watched the local kids crash their skateboards. A group mooning of theskateboarding kids occurred spontaneously … and the kids mooned back.
Trail from the Navy Yard lead past the projects in Charlestown to anotherTurkey/Eagle split. The eagle trail had lots and lots of stairs (did theygo up the Bunker Hill Monument?). The turkey trail had some hills and somestairs. We ran west of Boston into the environs of East Somerville. Therewe found a BN … leading us down Broadway. There was a BVN, a BVVN, aBVVVN etc. (until all got sick of that game). Finally we found the on-in.
The on in
The Fat One presided as our RA. He called the 3 hares into thecircle. Given that I had one hand around my beer, I was unable totranscribe any comments on the run (yeah, yeah, y'all hated it, Iknow). We, the hares, did our down down, and sang some song that I forgot,as it left my lips.
Visitors were invited into the circle … the huge group got a down down.
Accusations: huh??? I still had a firm grasp on my beer (rather than mypen). I was also impromptu beer-wench, since there was no waiter/waitressservice. Sweat test for late arrivals who went to watch the Red Soxgame??? Some others that I failed to transcribe. We abused a number ofself-reported virgins (Christie, Chanel, Annette). We laughed, wesang. Whatever.
We sang "Swing Low", and drank lots more Light Beer swill. Eventually, thebar attempted to shoo hashers out of their seats in the booths, since theyhad regulars arriving for their Saturday night "dance fever" with theDJ. The waitresses actually put reserved signs with names on thebooths. Well, they might take away the chairs, but hashers took over thedance floor. As the evening progressed, more and more of the locals wereco-opted into the hash craziness (I think they just wanted our cowboyhats). There was a sweet little old man who was adopted by severalharriettes for the evening (lucky guy).
A bunch of hashers were sitting in the bar, doing shots and other fun stuff(not dancing). A minor altercation could be heard from the nextroom. Next thing we noticed, Anal Avenger was being escorted from the barby the Somerville cop, who was working private duty (several other hashers left in support of AA). Seems that the waitress (the one with dentalproblems), had accused AA of shoving her. The truth was that the waitress initially pushed Deposits, and then pushed AA, who then pushed back. Justlike hockey, the retaliation got him into trouble (tho, ejection from thegame was the only solution to the problem, given that it was bar staffversus patron). The streaking through the bar and dance floor by 1harriette (Muffalotta) and 2 harriers (reportedly Palm Pilot and an Ottawahasher?) did not provoke the authorities. The bar management took pains totell us that we were most welcome at their establishment again in thefuture, so we did not wear out our welcome, despite our better-than-usual efforts.
—- Cums Alone, your humble scribe
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